Part 5 of the Unlearning Perfection series, a short blog series exploring where I first learned about perfection, my 10+ years of gymnastics, and the lessons I’m unlearning now.
Unsplash | Drahomír Posteby-Mach
As kids, we had expectations put on us.
Whether they were told to us straight up or indirectly, we knew what we needed to fulfill expectations to get love, attention, or praise.
In gymnastics, the expectation was to be perfect.
Fulfilling the expectations meant success.
So being perfect meant success.
Or if I'm doing the math, my brain was working like this.
Expectation = perfection
Fulfilling expectation = success
Perfection = success
That is how I did the math outside the gym too. If I was perfect, than I would be successful.
But as I've gotten older, here is what I've learned about perfection.
Perfection is boring.
Perfection makes you not relatable.
Perfection means you have it all figured out when really we will never have it all figured out.
Perfection means complacency and no more growth or evolution to be had.
Perfection is unrealistic because it doesn't exist.
If perfection doesn't exist, than why are we reaching for it? If perfection doesn't exist, than why are we making it our expectation? If perfection doesn't exist, than why are we defining it as success?
Maybe its time to redefine what success means to us. That can be hard to answer when you don't know it as anything else other than perfection.
I want to unlearn that the expectation is perfection, so I can learn to define my own version of success.
If you look back at the math problem, redefining success starts with redefining our expectations. If we redefine our expectations, we can redefine what success means to us.
Here are some questions we can use to help redefine our expectations:
What is a benchmark that you have met before +1 step further?
This is a question to help us keep growing, while also giving ourselves grace. You don't need to be perfect and you don't need to do exponentially better every single time. Meet yourself where you're and see what you can do to grow from there. This makes growth and success feel more manageable and realistic.
Are your expectations coming from you or someone else?
Did your mom tell you that you need to get your masters degree? Did your favorite person on social media tell you that you should be hitting the gym every day? Did society tell you that you need to hurry up and get a boyfriend right now so you can start on the marriage/family/kids path? It is easy to think that our expectations are ours, but sometimes they do come from an outside source. We need to make sure we are setting up our own expectations so we can find our own version of success.
What aspect of your expectation can you control and not control?
This is important to recognize so that we can hold expectations at different weights. If I set the expectation on myself to run 50 miles this month, that is in my control and I can work to achieve this. If I set the expectation to run more miles this month than my friend, that is out of my control because I can't control how much my friend runs.
This can also apply to relationships. If you set the expectation to be a supportive girlfriend, that is something you can control and put effort towards. If you set the expectation for your boyfriend to give the same amount of support, that is out of your control because you can't control a person. You can choose whether you would like for them to continue being your boyfriend or not , but you can't change them.
If something didn't go according to your expectations because things were out of your control, that doesn't make you a failure. We have to be aware of what is out of our control, and do our best with what is in your control.
What would make you proud?
At the end of the day, what does success look and feel like to you? What expectations and work does it take to make that happen? What would make you proud of yourself and your successes?
I still catch myself making perfection an expectation all the time. It has been my view of success for so long that it is hard to re-wire my brain. I know that I want to unlearn that the expectation is perfection, so I can learn to define my own version of success…and that success will be sweeter than ever.