Part 2 of the Unlearning Perfection series, a short blog series exploring where I first learned about perfection, my 10+ years of gymnastics, and the lessons I’m unlearning now.
In gymnastics, there is this thing called the code of points
It tells you how you're going to be judged: what is expected of you, what is considered unacceptable, and the degree to which is it unacceptable.
It includes a code for not just the skills you perform, but how you should look and act before, during, and after the routine.
This was helpful in creating your routines, practicing them, and preparing yourself for the competitions. You knew exactly what was acceptable and how you could get the highest score possible. It told you how to be the perfect gymnast.
But if you wanted to get a little creative and go outside the box, like wear nail polish, that was a big no. It has been written out clearly what you're supposed to do and you will be docked points if you waiver from that.
So I didn't waiver from it.
Outside of gymnastics and still in my life today, I think I try to look for life's code of points or rule book. What am I supposed to be doing? How am I supposed to act? What is considered acceptable to others?
I think I look for a rule book because there is this inner fear to go against the grain. If I had a rule book, than I would never mess up. I would be perfect.
But there is no code of points or rule book for life and I can't convince myself that there is.
I try to tell myself that societal norms are the rule book. I need to follow the societal norms so that I can be perfect and not be considered weird or "gone off the rails."
For the things that aren't super written out in the book, I try to dig for the answers that may not even be there just so I don't take a step that could be considered unacceptable.
I look to the book when it comes to romantic relationships. What order am I supposed to do things in? Will my family or friends accept that I'm doings things in this order or in this amount of time?
I look to the book in my career. Should I be doing the stable corporate job or going after the entrepreneurial track? What would make my family and friends proud?
I look to the book in how I spend my time. Should I be productive or should I be resting? Should I spend more time alone or with others? What would be the most acceptable to those around me?
I have found that following the book may have served me in gymnastics, but it isn't always serving me now. Living life based on what is acceptable to others can lead to living a life that isn't yours. And it is unacceptable to be living a life that isn't yours.
I am unlearning that I need to do things by the book, so that I can learn how to write my own rules.
Here are some questions I'm using to help me do that:
If no one else's feelings or opinions were taken into account, what would I do?
This isn't to say be inconsiderate of other's feelings, but sometimes we cloud our brains with the opinions of others that we have a hard time seeing our own. I found it helpful to first identify what you really want and then if the decision affects others around you, take their feelings into consideration. See how you can forge a path forward from there.
Whose book do I want to give power to?
I catch myself on this a lot. I give power to other people's rule books that I don't really care about. If I'm going to take anyone's book into account in my own, it is going to be from a person that I truly value their opinion, knows me best, and wants the best for me. I feel as if this is a very select few people, otherwise, there are too many cooks in the kitchen, or running your rule book.
What would make me most proud?
I always come back to this question. Asking myself what would make me most proud allows me to come back to myself while also pushing past complacency. It allows me to ask myself when I look back, will I be proud that I did the hard or scary or safe thing?
Even though I'm being conscious about not always going by someone else's book, I still find myself people-pleasing at times.
I've come to find though that if you're happy, those that care about you will be happy for you. If you aren't going to go off the typical rule book, those important in your life would want you to go off your book.
So what does your book say and are you following it?